An
apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any
gentleman, however wrong he might be.
Boy,
those French: They have a different word for everything!
Chaos
in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Comedy
may be big business but it isn't pretty.
Don't
have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start
talking to them.
First
the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named
after me.
I
believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if
you set out to make art you're an idiot.
I
believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once
was... an arctic wilderness.
I
believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy.
I
like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
I
think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a
bunch of blank paper.
I've
got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Talking
about music is like dancing about architecture.
There
is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with
another woman. I won't stand for that.
Well,
excuuuuuse me!
What
is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them
puke.
When
your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your
hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.
You
know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies -
all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.
I
believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing
that money can buy.
The
greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.
What
is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them
puke.
And
now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film 'Gladiator,' and a
man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...
I
wrote a novel this year called 'Shop Girl,' and several producers came
to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, "If you think
you're going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it
and change the ending... that's going to cost you.
All
I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Chaos
in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
I
believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if
you set out to make art you are an idiot.
It's
very hard being one of the most beautiful people. Having this kind of
beauty is actually a burden. Sometimes I go to a party and not one of
the other 49 most beautiful people is there.
That
makes me feel very solitary and alone, because it means I am the most
beautiful person in the room. If I'm going to a party where I know there
will be 'less-beautiful people,' I try to 'dress down' in order to hide
my beauty. But this seems to have a counter-effect of actually making me
more beautiful. I guess me and dungarees are a pretty potent
combination. I try not to lord my beauty over others.
This
is very hard. I try not to mention that I am one of the most beautiful
people, but somehow it always comes out.
I
will usually only bring it up when I'm asked to do a task, like open a
garage door. People seem to enjoy my beauty and are genuinely happy for
me, because after I mention it they always say, 'How nice for you.'
When
I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really
hard - to care. And then I realised; we are all here tonight, because of
a common love; me.
Comedians
don't get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can't
really speak about the Oscar worthiness of my own performance.
I
lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back
because I was too skinny. I didn't change what I ate, I just started
eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that's the real killer,
because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived.
All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
I've
written a lot about L.A., and I always describe it as beautiful. To me,
human relationships can be sad, can be exhilarating - but it's not a
product of the city. And it takes different forms. Like, in New York,
you're always with people. You can't go outdoors, you can't go into the
subway, you can't go anywhere without running into people you don't
know.
But
in L.A., you really have to work a bit to be exposed. You have to be
standing in a shop, you have to join a club, or join a community service
thing, or go to a nightclub in order to meet people. Because there's not
the same transitory proximity to other people.
What
is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short,
thin, or skinny. They can be democrats... or skinny.
An
apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any
gentleman, however wrong he might be.