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Quotes
Actually, I think all
addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one
counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't
a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from
the National Carbonation Council.
Black
people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and
90% of the final four.
Charlie
Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't
even the star of his own Halloween special.
Do
you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour,
you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for
$10.95.
Every
town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one
white people used to go to.
Everyone
has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can
all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
I
don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up
in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for
stupidity.
If
a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she
tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Right
now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for
movies with white guys falling out of them.
There
are people who would like tog et rid of minimum wage. But we have to
have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They
would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
Who's
judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing
contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
Yeah,
I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
You
don't pay taxes - they take taxes.
Women are like the police, they could have
all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession.
Don't exercise much. It's not really funny.Jim
Carrey looks like he's in pretty good shape, but traditionally,
funny guys have never been buff. Why do people do yoga? It clears their
minds. I embrace the clutter in my head. I like it. What funny guy's got
it all together?
I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the
crappy movie that is my life.
It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose
Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of
the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me
MISTER Rock.
A man is basically as faithful as his
options.
I'm never proper or careful, but I never
curse in front of my mother, either.
How do I say this without sounding like an
egomaniac?. I don't know a comedian that sells more seats than me in the
red states and blue states, so I don't see where I have to change that
much.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like
that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
Hollywood's just not funny. You walk around
and think 'Where's the funny at?' It's not there - all there is is a
bunch of directors and actors walking around. I like going into a diner
and meeting real people. Funny is where the real people are.
I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians
tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who
might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their
batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale
because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did
it unless I had something new to say.
People want comedians to be funny. I mean I
love Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind but it ain't a
better performance than in Dumb And Dumber. I can do serious roles
sometimes in other people's movies but not in one of my own. I don't
wanna ask my fans to come and not laugh at me: 'Hey! Come on, let's go
see Chris Rock not be funny!'
America is the most powerful country in the
world and I think every intelligent country should be concerned about
what's going on here. I've got no beef with Brits objecting to our
election outcome. I applaud that. I'll tell you right now, Americans
don't care about what's going on in other countries.
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